Four years ago I found this movie and my husband has been begging me to watch it ever since. So I acquiesced and from the moment it began, I was in shock.

Monsturd, released in 2003, is a low-budget horror film that really could have been great. Who doesn’t love bathroom humor? For some reason it’s the loudest movie ever created, and the audio never matches up with the video, which creates a wonderful air of awful.

It opens with a little girl tucked into her bed asking her dad for a bedtime story. He declines, and asks “Munchkin” to tell him a story instead. It’s the most awkward set-up. He’s just casually leaning on the doorway to her room, and she’s uncomfortably telling the story from her bed. And it is quite awkward to hear all the foul language and then cut to a sweet little girl called only “Munchkin” telling the story. She begins the story in Butte County (for the first couple of minutes we thought it was Puke County, which would be even better), where an evil company called Dutech has been working on an experiment with toxic waste and they dump it into a storm drain. Soon after, you meet a serial killer, Jack Schmidt (just say the name out loud) (Brad Dosland) who has escaped from prison and is on the run through the city’s sewer system. He’s being chased by the police department, and after being shot Mr. Schmidt is sucked down into a pipe and lands in a giant vat of Dutech’s chemical experiment where he is killed and all of the skin is melted off his body. It’s a grotesque scene. Lo and Behold his genetics meld with the chemicals in the sewer and he becomes “THE SH** MAN.” Dun dun

Mr. Monsturd (aka the Sh** Monster)

dun….Actually, what they called it was “Multi-cellular bacteria crossed with chromosomes from Schmidt’s body” (I took notes). Of course now that Schmidt is “alive” again, he begins his tirade on the town. His first victim is the night manager of the sewer system (do those exist?). He is reported missing after he doesn’t clock out of work or go home to his wife. They send some more police officers into the city’s incredibly clean sewer system where they find the maggot-infested, green, and poop covered moldy corpse of the night manager. It was gross. Then there is a (literal) five-minute exaggerated vomit scene where all my husband could say was “so chunky!” while burying his face in his blanket. Eventually, the FBI gets involved and Agent Hannigan (Beth West) collaborates with Sheriff Duncan (Paul Weiner) and they figure out there really is a monster (ahem, monsturd) in the sewer system that is half man, half fecal matter. They learn this after the killer goes on a rampage, killing people after coming up through their toilets and leaving the calling card written on the bathroom walls in dung. He would write various things like, “Don’t get caught with your pants down,” which was Jack Schmidt’s phrase he wrote on walls in blood. They matched crime scene photos from Schmidt’s versus the crap monsters and they were identical, except for the art supplies (you know…different bodily fluids…). Now that they know who the killer is, they must find a way to make the townspeople keep away from their toilets. So clearly the answer is to drive around in a squad car and a megaphone shouting “stay away from your toilets.” BUTT…the town’s annual Chili Cookoff is coming up! What are the people to do?! They suggest canceling, which no one will allow, or installing porta-johns at the cookoff. But no one allows a murderous dung monster to cancel their favorite time of year, so they continue on while putting their lives (and colons) in danger of not only intense gastro-intestinal pain, but also death. But the FBI and local police department figure out just how to rid the town of this poo-infested anomaly, but not after the monsturd murders his maker! I will go no further.

Honestly, if you want a really cheap giggle, crack open a beer and watch Monsturd. It is loaded with cheap poo jokes (but really, not enough…they needed even more!!), a parody of the Mr. Hankey episode of South Park, the quote “Daddy, there’s a giant number two in the bathroom!”, and much, much more. It looks like it was filmed on a giant shoulder-propped camcorder from 1991 and for some reason is the loudest movie of all time. I can’t really say that I enjoyed it per se, but it was entertaining for its duration. Please, if you’re into bathroom humor, do yourself a favor and for a really, really pathetic and cheap laugh, watch Monsturd. It gets 2 stars for me, for awfulness.